11 ways trust issues can show up in your life and how to learn to trust again with the help of music therapy
DEFINITION of TRUST
“to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable”
Trust is essential for society to function, for example we need to be able to trust that people will do their jobs and follow rules/precautions e.g. a bus driver or pilot can transport us from A to B or a retail assistant will charge our cards correctly. Trust is not a simple either/or situation but rather a spectrum of ‘how much can you trust this individual/organisation?’. The less trust we have the more fear starts to creep in. These fears can be both rooted in conscious and unconscious responses from previous life experiences.
ORIGIN of TRUST
Ability to trust often stems from our experiences with our primary caregiver (mother, father, grandmother, carer etc.), someone who was our main carer as a young child. Our experience of attachment to these people in our early years provides a model of how we see people and the world.
A child who learns that those around them are reliable and will take care of them (secure attachment style) ventures into the world very differently to how another with an insecure attachment style might. The individual with a secure attachment style will believe that (according to Mikulincer):
if they need help there will be someone who they can trust to help them
if they need support someone who cares for them will be there and happy to help
they will be comforted by this help and support given
HOWEVER those with insecure attachment styles will find it difficult to rely on others for support thus impacting on the ability to trust:
Individuals with anxious attachment (experience of an inconsistent caregiver, sometimes comforting and other times absent) may worry that they will not get the support or help they need, they are anxious about relying on someone for support or care.
Individuals with avoidant attachment (experience of a neglectful, rejective or abusive care giver) will avoid relying on others for help because they have no trust at all based on early experiences of not being supported.
It is important to note that these attachment habits are often not conscious, they are learnt behaviours that we have used to protect ourselves as a result of painful experiences.
As well as trust issues forming in our early years, they can also form during our adolescence, another important phase of development. A common cause of trust issues in young people is due to social rejection, in other words being bullied or treated as an outcast by their peers. These experiences poorly affects individuals’ self esteem which impacts one’s ability to trust.
TRUST & TRAUMA
Trust issues can be caused at any point in life, often issues with trusting result from trauma such as:
Accident
Illness
Theft or damage to personal property
Loss of a loved one
Being cheated on or left for another person
Being abused (physically/sexually/emotionally)
Difficulty in moving through and processing feelings of fear and unease associated with these experiences can result in difficulties building up a sense of trust in others again resulting in trust issues. One clear example of this presentation is in PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) sufferers. Having experienced high levels of trauma (and often re-experiencing the trauma in their minds) leads them to isolate themselves, going to extreme lengths to keep themselves safe, meaning that trusting another is not an option.
In addition to traumatic events and PTSD negatively impacting the ability to trust, other mental health conditions can also have this effect, like:
Depression
Anxiety
Fear of abandonment
Attachment issues (attachment styles from childhood severely impacting one’s adult life)
Schizophrenia
HOW DO TRUST ISSUES SHOW UP?
Here are some signs of how trust issues manifest in people’s lives:
lack of intimacy or friendships
feelings of mistrust that interfere in a relationship
suspicion or anxiety about friends or family
feelings of unease and terror during physical intimacy
belief that others are deceptive not grounded in any proof
AS WELL AS:
6. embarking on shallow relationships based on lighter, less threatening communication
7. belief that betrayal is inevitable
8. trust in people who are likely to take advantage of you
9. trust too quickly e.g. as soon as you meet someone
10. viewing others’ mistakes as breaches of trust e.g. someone is running late = they are hiding something from you, can’t talk right now = they are rejecting you
11. feelings of loneliness and isolation
HOW TO LEARN TO TRUST AGAIN
Letting go of trust issues can be a very difficult process, it can be exhausting and confusing yet, with the help of a trained professional (counsellor, therapist) one can start the process of learning to trust again and working on diminishing trust issues. Like all healing it will not be a linear process, sometimes it may feel easier to trust and other times it will feel impossible. It is important to notice how you are feeling in situations and relationships and share these with a therapist/counsellor so that they can help you to explore your thoughts, feelings and habits relating to trust.
Some main points to think about on a journey of nurturing a healthy sense of trust:
learn how trust works = how it is earned and how to extend it
take emotional risks with your therapist
confront your trust prejudices, suspicions, fears and painful feelings
HOW CAN A THERAPIST HELP ME?
It seems like a counterintuitive suggestion going to see a complete stranger to work through your trust issues. A catch 22 situation: having to build a sense of trust to embark on sharing these trust issues. Confusing right?
Whilst it will be challenging and painful, but what is different to your average ‘complete stranger’ is the training, research, experience and understanding a therapist will have to model a healthy, trusting relationship. Supporting you in learning to trust in both a general sense and in the therapeutic relationship (between client and therapist).
Here are some ways that the therapist will enable trust in the therapeutic relationship:
evidence of serving the individual’s best interest
prioritise the emotional safety of the session e.g. confidentiality
convey perspectives that enhance individual’s self-esteem
HOW CAN A MUSIC THERAPIST HELP ME?
Less of a focus on words can allow unconscious responses and behaviours to float more readily to the surface of the individual and enter the therapeutic space, allowing for both catharthis and/or analysis.
LESS CONFRONTATIONAL
In psychodynamic music therapy the therapist is trained to identify relationship patterns through shared music making. This means that for the individual who struggles with trust issues they may find it easier to engage in music therapy as it can be less confronting. It is not necessary to talk about trust issues but rather join the music therapist in creating music/sound. This way the music therapist is able to understand the individual’s relating habits through how they connect to the other (the music therapist) in the music. It would then be up to the music therapist about how and when this could be fed back to the client either musically or verbally.
NURTURING A SENSE OF TRUST
Creating a joint improvisation (where the client and therapist plays together) can function as a way to build a sense of trust in the therapeutic relationship at the very beginning. The music therapist draws on the theory of early mother-infant interaction (Stern), trained to carefully respond to the individual’s music. The therapist provides a model of what a healthy reciprocal and supportive relationship is through the music that the client may not have experienced in early attachment experiences.
Music therapy offers a space independent from words for the individual with trust issues to learn how to trust again through feeling in the music. There is no expectation in thinking or talking only experiencing how the here and now of the music reflects past experiences. The music offers a doorway to peer into the why and how of trust issues.
Take care,
Grace
If you struggle with trust issues and feel like music therapy would be something that could help you click here .
FURTHER READING
(Please note these are affiliate links, if you use these I receive a percentage. Thank you for your support)
Attachment in Adulthood, Second Edition: Structure, Dynamics, and Change, Mikulincer and Shaver
A Secure Base, Bowlby
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain, Gerhardt
The Interpersonal World of the Infant: A View From Psychoanalysis and Developmental Psychology, Stern